Nine Years

Nine years, that is how long it will be on June 30th at 1:30 PM when my wife and Dara and Zach’s mom Suzanne took her last breath after two and a half years of living and dying with stage 4 lung cancer. Nine long exhausting years of grief, mourning, self reflection, introspection, reinvention and perhaps even redemption. A journey I wish on no one. A journey that life doesn’t necessarily prepare you for. A journey that ultimately ends up being well worth it.

So what have I learned during this nine year journey?

I loved Suzanne and didn’t really know how to say it or show it.

I love my children and I failed them in so many ways.

I buried myself in my work as an excuse not to be present.

I rationalized that being a good provider made up for being a bad husband and dad.

I allowed myself to not be emotionally or physically available.

I beat myself up for most of the above.

I learned that I could change.

I learned that truth matters.

I learned that doing the right thing can be hard.

I learned to be honest with myself and others.

I owned my failures and promised not to repeat them.

I repaired my relationships with my children.

I realized that family is the most important thing that you’ll have in life.

I learned that vulnerability is really a strength and not a weakness.

I learned that adapting is easier than you think.

I realized that change can be good.

I learned that growth and change are neverending and not to fear either one.

I learned that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely.

Ultimately after all the introspection and self reflection I have a much better understanding of who I am and what I continue to need to do to be a better version of myself. Possibly a form of reinvention and redemption? Perhaps, only time will tell.

I have learned that I’m happier now and enjoy myself more than I ever have. I like myself and I find myself to be good company. Who knew that confronting the things that you didn’t like about yourself and doing something about it could be so impactful. It sure wasn’t me but after nine years I’m finally figuring it out.

To Dara and Zach, I can’t change my past, our past but I can continue to work on my future and our futures. I want to be there for all the important events in your lives. I want to share my life experiences and pass along a few pearls of wisdom along the way all while learning something new from you guys. I want my life to be an example that people can and do change. Sometimes that may take longer to happen than we would like but be patient. It is well worth the wait. Believe me, in my heart of hearts I really wish that I would have figured this out sooner. Please accept my apology for not having done so.

I have learned that there is no GPS or navigation system that will help you through this journey. It is uniquely yours and yours alone. Embrace it, share it if you care to and hopefully you’ll end up enjoying it.

What has remained constant in these nine years is that Suzanne always was and always will be the glue that holds this family together and for that I am eternally grateful.

I love you Suzanne and I always will. Thank you for everything.